I’m due for some changes in my (employed) day job very soon. For the last year or so, I have been seconded to a different location to set up and take part in a pilot project. This secondment and pilot is now nearly at an end and I will be returning to my previous role. Just recently, I’ve had some mixed feelings about the whole process. Whilst resolving to have a positive frame of mind about what I have achieved, I’ve also been aware of an irritating and nagging “negative” that has been trying to haunt me. I think this has to do with a simple instruction to go back to my old role without having received any official feedback. It has left me with a bit of emptiness and unknown aspect that can, if I allow it to, cause negatives to fill that void. If I allow that negative in and to fester, it will likely create resentment.
In a round about way and somewhat subliminally, I’ve sought help from people on this aspect.
I think this issue has to do with a feeling of not being thanked for my efforts. This of course has to do with my pride and ego. The bottom line is, I can’t “make” anybody thank me.
Rather than focus on the problem, I’ve chosen to find a solution that is far more effective. I can choose to thank myself and give myself affirmation for a job completed as required, regardless of perceived outcomes by others.
On a very positive note, I received a hand created and personalized card from a client yesterday thanking me for helping this person, thanking me for my patience and understanding. This is a treasure worth far more than any pay rise. From a purely physical and factual aspect, this is an item of qualitative evidence of a job done satisfactorily well in the very least! Let’s face it, we can all talk a good talk, but very often, customers want to see evidence.
Yes, that’s right, your employer, if you have one, is your customer who has agreed to buy your services. How’s that for a re-frame!
Receiving that card is encouraging and empowering.
Here are some lessons well worth learning: -
Question: Have you ever put a lot of effort into a job and felt like it was a thankless task?
i) Firstly, choose to thank yourself for your efforts. An affirmation to oneself is an expression of independence. It proves you do not have to be reliant upon other people all the time to get some gratitude.
ii) Express gratitude to those around you that have assisted you, however small the effort and help has been. Rarely, if ever are we able to achieve a task without the assistance of others. By expressing gratitude, we teach and encourage others to do the same.
iii) When feeling overwhelmed and low, remember to ask for help from those you know you can trust. At times like these, a little encouragement will help you get back on track.
iv) There are some useful catchphrases that we hear from time to time. “Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth” and “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you”. When a gift is offered, accept it gracefully and with gratitude.
I’d like to publically express thanks to a fellow blogger JAYNE KOPP who replied to my email asking for her help yesterday. Just reading Jayne’s article, I felt it was the right time and place to ask. Jayne fulfilled that need.
NOW! I have a challenge for you!
You can choose to do this in your own mind, or if you really want to be maverick and radical, you can actually say this to the person……
Go up to a Traffic Warden and thank that person for the job he/she does in managing parking spaces, encouraging safe road use, encouraging fairness of road use and contributing to overcoming traffic jams. You might just make that persons day!
Like it? Create your own at GoAnimate.com. It’s free and fun!
Do you like what I have written here? You can get my free ebook with 15 affirming articles simply by entering your email address below and clicking “send”. Your email address will NOT be shared with 3rd parties. Thank you for reading
Do your eyes get really tired from reading as mine do?
Do you have trouble proof reading your own articles and get frustrated when you have missed a grammatical error in your content?
I’ve found a great way to overcome this. It is simple and very time saving. I recommend using text reading software. I’ve tested a product called Natural Reader. The voice produced on it is very easy on the ear. It is also very inexpensive. It saves so much time and effort stops that temptation to skip content, especially when reading an instructional article. You can just close you eyes and listen if you wish. Here is the link. Natural Reader.
I was chatting with Chris from the band the other day. He stated how he and others had recognised how I’ve developed my own look and style. Something that is noticeable. I’m really aware of this. People do seem to notice and remember me more these days. I’ve developed a kind of flamboyant style of dress that I’m really comfortable and confident with. A little bit of that relates to not taking myself too seriously.
A Trilby hat with red, white and blue feathers and I partly smoked cigar!
My growing beard dyed blond.
Fake, cheap “Rayband” sunglasses that I call “Fakebands”.
A selection of cheap scarves bought from the market.
T-shirt and black jeans (always black jeans!)… erm apart from the photo above!
Very uncomfortable fake crocodile shoes brought from a charity shop just for the crack, worn for some gigs just for effect.
Growing up, my mother always stated that she did not like show offs. I really took this to heart and lived most of my life as a bit of a shrinking violet. I chose to conform and hide in the crowd for much of the time, none the least due to physical bullying from my peers and some emotional bullying from a particular school teacher.
All of the above I have dealt with in a big way in the past couple of years. I recognise that my mother had a big influence on me. Most people experience disappointment in their lives. I believe to some extent that my mother transferred some of her disappointment on to me. I don’t blame her for it. I loved her dearly. She was a good, kind caring and loving mother, as good as anyone could expect, but to a large extent and absolutely of my responsibility I believe I subconsciously “wore” her disappointment. These things happen through generations. The difference these days is that we have the benefit emotional learning in a far more useful way.
I don’t consider myself bigheaded or arrogant and I try hard to avoid that path fraught with danger. I do recognise that success requires a degree of confidence. This confidence then transfers to an audience in whatever environment that may be.
Musical & Theatre performance.
Public speaking.
Television.
Success is borne out of trust. Trust is created in the transaction that needs to be clear and confident. If there is a lack of confidence, then doubt and anxiety is created that snowballs in the same way that confidence and trust does.
So what is arrogance?
I wonder if this too is a transaction. We may perceive some people to be arrogant.
The point is; what is going on for us?
Is there not just a tinge of jealously that we may be choosing to ignore?
Also, from the other side, is the arrogant person behaving in an inauthentic fashion in an attempt to cover up some overbearing insecurity?
Sometimes, we need to wear masks for emotional protection. Again, this comes down to transference. Being emotionally open can pose a threat to people.
So, over the past year or so, I’ve found a big movement in my life. I’ve discovered a confidence in myself that was always there (as I believe it is in everyone). Here’s the most important statement:-
THIS IS TRUE AND AUTHENTIC FREEDOM!
I want to share this with people so they can have it too, or should I say, help people to become aware of the truth that confidence and self esteem comes from within. Sharing this with people I think can be making use of a kind of transference that has a positive outcome. It can lead to freedom of dependence.
It also needs close attention and nurture so as not to get carried away. I firmly believe in continued self development. Speaking of self development, part of the journey I have been on this year has been the result of some excellent assistance I have received from Steven Aitchison of Change Your Thoughts and Mind Alchemy. For those of you that are fans of cartoon characters (I’m a big fan of Family Guy), Steven has introduced his very own character “George”.
Steven Aitchison has helped me enormously this year with advice on developing the blog you are reading right now. He is a trusting and authentic guy with a passion for helping people. The course Steven is called Mind Alchemy. I recommend you take a look. Click here.
Have you experienced transference in your life?
How has it affected you?
How do you increase you awareness of it?
Do you like what I have written here? You can get my free ebook with 15 affirming articles simply by entering your email address below and clicking “send”. Your email address will NOT be shared with 3rd parties. Thank you for reading
Do your eyes get really tired from reading as mine do?
Do you have trouble proof reading your own articles and get frustrated when you have missed a grammatical error in your content?
I’ve found a great way to overcome this. It is simple and very time saving. I recommend using text reading software. I’ve tested a product called Natural Reader. The voice produced on it is very easy on the ear. It is also very inexpensive. It saves so much time and effort stops that temptation to skip content, especially when reading an instructional article. You can just close you eyes and listen if you wish. Here is the link. Natural Reader.
Today’s article is inspired by Stacy Clafin following comments I made on one of her pages yesterday.
My grandfather passed away when I was very young. I didn’t really know him. The only memory I have of him is a mind picture of him lying in bed. After he died (I wasn’t taken to the funeral). I recall my parents and older siblings telling me that Grandpa had gone away in an aeroplane! Of course, this was confusing because I heard adults talking about the fact that Grandpa had died. I can even remember asking the question about what I was told and what I heard. It caused some embarrassment because nobody seemed to really know what to say.
Children are very matter of fact. Sure, children can grieve, but the also have the ability to quickly recover, unlike us adults. I sincerely believe that young children learn best with straight facts. Children can learn to be emotionally intelligent by understanding that it is OK to feel emotional pain.
I wonder that adults try to protect children because it has more to do with their own pain than that the assumed pain of the child. Let’s face it, we have all done that to a greater or lesser extent.
It is a tricky subject. Being factual with children is what I’m suggesting, but of course there are some aspects of life that children need some protection from, purely because they are not mature enough to understand. I guess the point is, children don’t necessarily need to know all the gory details, but they do need to know the truth. If we tell children lies, then they learn to lie.
This is a little different from the Tooth Fairly and Santa Claus. In my opinion, these are OK because they encourage children to use their imaginations in a healthy way. Children learn effectively from make believe stories and I think they understand the difference between make believe and reality.
As I frequently state, the answer is about balance (and also about common sense).
It was not until my late thirties that I was told I had a half brother. That was both interesting, but also disturbing. For a while I felt pretty insecure. The question in my mind was “What other secrets have been kept from me? I had some disturbing dreams around that time and quite a bit of anxiety, more so because my mother was taken ill with a stroke on the day we all met my half brother.
So many of us go through our lives seeking the truth. Most important of all is seeking the truth about our own lives. In many cases we don’t find those answers or we receive answers that are disappointing. Recovery comes from coming to terms with our reality.
With regard to children, we can give them factual reality. I have always taken my children to funerals. They were told the truth and understand loss. They also understand that it is OK to grieve.
Classic examples of dis-information that children receive: -
The death of a family member or friend.
The truth about sex in its natural sense.
The truth about the break up of parental relationships and the truth behind being placed in care.
That it is not OK to cry and that children must be brave. (If children are told not to cry, they become emotionally stunted, confused and express anger innapropriately.)
That it is OK to be happy and enjoy life in the moment, despite traumatic revelations.
What facts do you tell children?
What facts do you protect from them for their safety?
Is that protection more about your own pain and grief than what can be beneficial to the child?
Do you like what I have written here? You can get my free ebook with 15 affirming articles simply by entering your email address below and clicking “send”. Your email address will NOT be shared with 3rd parties. Thank you for reading
Do your eyes get really tired from reading as mine do?
Do you have trouble proof reading your own articles and get frustrated when you have missed a grammatical error in your content?
I’ve found a great way to overcome this. It is simple and very time saving. I recommend using text reading software. I’ve tested a product called Natural Reader. The voice produced on it is very easy on the ear. It is also very inexpensive. It saves so much time and effort stops that temptation to skip content, especially when reading an instructional article. You can just close you eyes and listen if you wish. Here is the link. Natural Reader.
photo credit: MrsMinifigA key success to communication is to be authentic. The challenge in this matter is, to what degree can we be authentic? The real answer to that is it is entirely up to you. We have a choice in how much we give away about ourselves both in general information and also on an emotional level.
This is a very important subject.
We have all come across folk that we intuitively sense are fraudulent.
Being open and honest is a double edged sword. I have a feeling I have written on this subject before, so forgive me for doing so again. Maybe today, I’m writing it from a different perspective.
How authentic are we going to be, that may expose our vulnerability?
In other words, how much vulnerability are we prepared to expose with the degree of our authenticity. There is the matter of keeping ourselves safe. In my experience, some people see a persons willingness to be authentic and therefore vulnerable, as a threat and will go on the attack. I suspect their fear is that they are worried they have to be reciprocal by exposing their own vulnerability and this is something people may not feel able to do. I had a specific experience of this just over 2 years ago and it was very unpleasant indeed on an emotional level. This is also about personal boundaries.
I’m referring to this authenticity on an emotional level. To that end, I do tend to take a few risks at times. A few years back I occasionally got attacked with some of the articles I wrote online.
I’ll state here and now that in the past, I have had bouts of depression. In recent times I’ve had a real breakthrough on that issue. I’ve been able to use those negative experiences in a positive fashion to change the way I think. I’ve witnessed how others have done the same having been through similar experiences.
The good news is, being open and honest about emotive issues can really draw people in to read and share. When it works in this way, relationships become stronger and in turn, so does trust. When I’ve written about bereavement in the past, I’ve seen people find the courage to write about their own and thereby face that difficult aspect of their life head on.
Here are some articles that I have read relatively recently that I consider courageous, authentic, and I therefore feel a great degree of trust and connection with them. Each of these people are able to express their ability to use difficult experiences in a positive manner. I recommend you read them. You’ll learn loads.
http://lifechapters.net/2011/01/02/what-is-love/ (this is a bit on the long side, but worth a read if you want to really understand more about me.) Feedback from you on this post would be a real blessing because it is a subject very close to my heart.
If anyone else has written in this way, then maybe I’ll consider creating a page of links on this subject.
Bear in mind, I am not expecting you all to go telling your stories and exposing your vulnerability. That matter is up to you and I really recommend that you check your personal boundaries in this matter.
And now the final scene to one of my favourite movies of all time. Thinking of close friends, some no longer here, this scene always brings a tear to my eye. That is also powerfully healing too.
Do you like what I have written here? You can get my free ebook with 15 affirming articles simply by entering your email address below and clicking “send”. Your email address will NOT be shared with 3rd parties. Thank you for reading
Do your eyes get really tired from reading as mine do?
Do you have trouble proof reading your own articles and get frustrated when you have missed a grammatical error in your content?
I’ve found a great way to overcome this. It is simple and very time saving. I recommend using text reading software. I’ve tested a product called Natural Reader. The voice produced on it is very easy on the ear. It is also very inexpensive. It saves so much time and effort stops that temptation to skip content, especially when reading an instructional article. You can just close you eyes and listen if you wish. Here is the link. Natural Reader.
One of the greatest benefits of journal writing is looking back and reading what was written some time ago. Much of my work involves coaching people and building up their self esteem. As I’ve stated before, this requires trust. I’m the sort of person that takes risks on an emotional level. This has had some negative effects in the short term, but long term it has served me well because I’ve learned to grow.
So, today I’m choosing to read what I had previously written and coach “Marty” as he thought back then to consider how he might move forward.
“To my Teacher
I rarely paid attention, my mind wondering off into a world of imagination and excitement and adventure. I dreamed of a world beyond the mundane existence. I dreamed of being thrilled. I dreamed of laughter. I dreamed of expectation. I dreamed of success. I dreamed of fun.
I dreamed of being a famous football player. I dreamed of being a pop star. I dreamed of adulation people would give me for being so talented. I dreamed of people shouting my name and lifting me up. I dreamed of being a hero.
I never ever wished hurt on anyone. I wanted to be friendly. I wanted to be loved. I welcomed kindness. I wanted to be acknowledged. I wanted to know I existed.
Why did you shout at me?
Why were you so angry?
Why did you frighten me?
Why didn’t you understand me?
Why did you hurt me?
I lost my confidence. I became quiet and self conscious. I believed those accusing eyes you made at me and I believed I was useless. I believed I was insignificant. I believed my opinion didn‘t matter I believed I didn‘t matter and in a way I trusted what I perceived to be your opinion because you were my teacher.
What did you teach me?
What did I learn?
What help was it?
I don’t remember learning anything from you other than fear and self doubt and hate. I learned to pick up and carry a very large and heavy rucksack that contained these items and more. As my life has passed, I have allowed others to add to this sack, but didn’t know what I was carrying. Eventually, the burden brought me down because I no longer had the strength to carry.
You must be strong
You must carry
You are not allowed to be weak
You are not allowed to let go of the sack
After some rest, I regained some strength and got up, unaware that the rucksack was still there.
I‘m learning something new now.
I‘m learning to be unburdened.
I‘m learning to be free.
It‘s not easy.
It takes even more strength to carry this burden and turn round to lift out and drop the contents whilst still moving forward.
I don‘t yet know what the outcome will be, but I have faith that by doing something different, there can be change.”
Marty, you are on a journey that offers some wonderful opportunities. You are clearly a passionate person. You are working through some painful experiences right now.
How can you move forward from those experiences and make positive use of them for the future?
To help you, I’d like you to consider the language that you use in order to assist you unburdening the past.
The word “must” is a powerful one and demands perhaps too much of you emotionally. This word and other similar ones such as “should” and “ought” have clearly been laden upon you and I’m suggesting that you say these words to yourself. Consider the words “choose” followed by “decide”. These may empower your decisions and grant you more confidence.
Marty, you have many qualities. You have permission to dream like you did as a child. You have permission to love and laugh. You have permission to let go those doubts now because you survived the trauma of those early years. You didn’t let those experiences beat you. You hung on. Be encouraged and energised by those true and authentic facts.
—–ooooo00000ooooo—–
I hope that by sharing the above that you’ll have more of an insight into my past and how I have learned so much, particularly in very recent times. I know I can make use of those experiences to help others. I know I have the ability to coach successfully and I have already seen some dramatic changes in people that I have helped.
May I ask: -
Would you, if you needed it, come to me for coaching?
Would you recommend me to people?
Do you like what I have written here? You can get my free ebook with 15 affirming articles simply by entering your email address below and clicking “send”. Your email address will NOT be shared with 3rd parties. Thank you for reading
Do your eyes get really tired from reading as mine do?
Do you have trouble proof reading your own articles and get frustrated when you have missed a grammatical error in your content?
I’ve found a great way to overcome this. It is simple and very time saving. I recommend using text reading software. I’ve tested a product called Natural Reader. The voice produced on it is very easy on the ear. It is also very inexpensive. It saves so much time and effort stops that temptation to skip content, especially when reading an instructional article. You can just close you eyes and listen if you wish. Here is the link. Natural Reader.
