Personal boundaries are a subject referred to fairly often with regard to self awareness. They help us understand a little more about our identity and can help to improve confidence and self esteem.
I’ve often heard the word “boundaries” used in relation to them not being breached. i.e. a set of rules and regulations. In the context of personal boundaries, I’m suggesting there is a need to breach boundaries from time to time in order to grow, become wiser and gain a better life experience. Having thought about this more deeply in recent weeks, I’m of the opinion that there are times to consider caution. Broadly, I’m suggesting the breach of personal boundaries can fall into three categories.
Neutral personal boundaries.
For instance, we all have a knowledge of what food we like to eat and what we don’t like. There will obviously be foodstuffs we have not tried before. We may have a per-conception of food never tasted and tried before. Some people will decide not to try something new, thereby keeping to their boundary on this issue. Others will choose to take the risk. Another example may be choosing to try a new hobby or deciding to try a new image such as a new hairstyle. All of these involve taking risks. The issue here is not taking per se, it is taking a calculated, low risk.
Negative personal boundaries.
In this example, I;m suggesting there is high risk. An example would be to experiment with narcotics. The attraction involves danger and the result is very likely to cause short term pleasure, but long term displeasure. Another example may be to behave in a promiscuous manner i.e. engaging in unprotected sex with various partners, risking sexually transmitted disease. These would be classed as high risk strategies.
Positive personal boundaries.
In this circumstance, a person may have a set of beliefs about themselves regarding their abilities. An example may be the belief that they are not worthy of achieving a good relationship with a partner, or not able to do a certain type of job. If we choose not to attempt to breach personal boundaries such as these, we are likely to be stuck and unable to grow.
Do you keep to your boundaries or do you occasionally breach them?
What category of boundaries do you breach re: above?
What consequences have occurred?
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Do your eyes get really tired from reading as mine do?
Do you have trouble proof reading your own articles and get frustrated when you have missed a grammatical error in your content?
I’ve found a great way to overcome this. It is simple and very time saving. I recommend using text reading software. I’ve tested a product called Natural Reader. The voice produced on it is very easy on the ear. It is also very inexpensive. It saves so much time and effort stops that temptation to skip content, especially when reading an instructional article. You can just close you eyes and listen if you wish. Here is the link. Natural Reader.
Just a gentle warning. Today’s post could be interpreted as somewhat controversial and will likely trigger a lot of strong feelings.
This article is also inspired by a guest post by Douglas Cartwright on Steven Aitchisons page. Click here.
I had a somewhat unusual experience in the last couple of weeks. This is in regard to a photograph taken at a gig I was playing at. A close friend of mine died tragically last year. This is a person I had worked with and socialized with for over 25 years. Whilst this was an upsetting experience for me as expected, I’ve chosen to move forward in my own life and celebrate the memory of my friend. In some ways, I’ve chosen to believe he left me with some of his sense of fun and enjoyment of life. I co-wrote a song about him that the band happened to play on the night of the photograph I mentioned.
This photograph, taken somewhat candidly of the general crowd in the pub that night caught a half face image of a person that appears to be my late friend. When I first spotted it, I confess I felt somewhat spooked. The picture may of course be explained away as someone who co-incidentally looks like my late friend. However, I have spoken to other friends in that picture and none of the recall seeing or remembering this “person.” My conclusion about this is not to dig too deep for answers. One of the reasons for this is an awareness of my spiritual boundaries. I’m choosing to believe that it is the spirit of my friend (who incidentally, frequently visited pubs with music, live or otherwise, including the one we played at that night.) I draw comfort from this conclusion, despite having a nagging feeling to want some tangible proof.
All this brings me on to the whole concept of spiritual beliefs and what I am generally or loosely referring to as religion.
Today, I had an unrelated conversation with a person I know to be a self declared Atheist. This person stated to me, in conversational terms, about a reference to the Holocaust; “I’ll be having a serious word with God when my time comes”. It was a good natured and frivolous remark, so joining in with that frivolity, I said, “Oh, I thought you were an Atheist”. Smiling at the gentle tease, the person replied “Well, I don’t know one way or the other really”.
I’ve often had people say to me that having a belief in God is just a crutch. I can agree with the statement on a certain level and also add that not believing in God is also a “belief” of sorts and also a crutch. Whatever we choose to believe or not believe has a frame of reference. There is the concept of what we can see, touch and smell in those 3 dimensions. There are other dimensions such as intuition. This is evident in infants, be they human of animal, that intuitively seek the mothers breast when born. It is nature in action.
Having a belief in God, for me is also intuitive. There is always the argument of “factual” (within the frame of 3 dimensions) evidence that some need to experience to be convinced. The intuitive dimension (as I have chosen to describe it) allows for the possibility to accept the concept of a creator. For the sake of argument, that “creator” could be interpreted as “Big Bang”. All and any of it, dependant upon a persons frame of reference is concept, theory, and evidence.
Bearing in mind this is a subject of controversy and the potential for conflict, I’ll state here that my intuition tells me that I am comfortable and draw strength from my Christian beliefs. I’m also reasonably aware of my spiritual boundaries, particularly when I have strayed beyond them. From this, I respect the beliefs of others and their boundaries. The respecting of the beliefs of others is key to allowing them the space to discover their comfort and their boundaries.
How do you draw comfort in your life?
Do you ever feel challenged by what you believe?
Are you offended by what others believe and if so, have you examined why that is?
Do other belief systems feel threatening to you? If so, why?
Do you feel threatened by your own beliefs and on that point, are they truly your own beliefs or are they beliefs projected and forced upon you by others?
Do you have boundaries in your beliefs?
Do you like what I have written here? You can get my free ebook with 15 affirming articles simply by entering your email address below and clicking “send”. Your email address will NOT be shared with 3rd parties. Thank you for reading
Do your eyes get really tired from reading as mine do?
Do you have trouble proof reading your own articles and get frustrated when you have missed a grammatical error in your content?
I’ve found a great way to overcome this. It is simple and very time saving. I recommend using text reading software. I’ve tested a product called Natural Reader. The voice produced on it is very easy on the ear. It is also very inexpensive. It saves so much time and effort stops that temptation to skip content, especially when reading an instructional article. You can just close you eyes and listen if you wish. Here is the link. Natural Reader.
Today’s article is inspired by Stacy Clafin following comments I made on one of her pages yesterday.
My grandfather passed away when I was very young. I didn’t really know him. The only memory I have of him is a mind picture of him lying in bed. After he died (I wasn’t taken to the funeral). I recall my parents and older siblings telling me that Grandpa had gone away in an aeroplane! Of course, this was confusing because I heard adults talking about the fact that Grandpa had died. I can even remember asking the question about what I was told and what I heard. It caused some embarrassment because nobody seemed to really know what to say.
Children are very matter of fact. Sure, children can grieve, but the also have the ability to quickly recover, unlike us adults. I sincerely believe that young children learn best with straight facts. Children can learn to be emotionally intelligent by understanding that it is OK to feel emotional pain.
I wonder that adults try to protect children because it has more to do with their own pain than that the assumed pain of the child. Let’s face it, we have all done that to a greater or lesser extent.
It is a tricky subject. Being factual with children is what I’m suggesting, but of course there are some aspects of life that children need some protection from, purely because they are not mature enough to understand. I guess the point is, children don’t necessarily need to know all the gory details, but they do need to know the truth. If we tell children lies, then they learn to lie.
This is a little different from the Tooth Fairly and Santa Claus. In my opinion, these are OK because they encourage children to use their imaginations in a healthy way. Children learn effectively from make believe stories and I think they understand the difference between make believe and reality.
As I frequently state, the answer is about balance (and also about common sense).
It was not until my late thirties that I was told I had a half brother. That was both interesting, but also disturbing. For a while I felt pretty insecure. The question in my mind was “What other secrets have been kept from me? I had some disturbing dreams around that time and quite a bit of anxiety, more so because my mother was taken ill with a stroke on the day we all met my half brother.
So many of us go through our lives seeking the truth. Most important of all is seeking the truth about our own lives. In many cases we don’t find those answers or we receive answers that are disappointing. Recovery comes from coming to terms with our reality.
With regard to children, we can give them factual reality. I have always taken my children to funerals. They were told the truth and understand loss. They also understand that it is OK to grieve.
Classic examples of dis-information that children receive: -
The death of a family member or friend.
The truth about sex in its natural sense.
The truth about the break up of parental relationships and the truth behind being placed in care.
That it is not OK to cry and that children must be brave. (If children are told not to cry, they become emotionally stunted, confused and express anger innapropriately.)
That it is OK to be happy and enjoy life in the moment, despite traumatic revelations.
What facts do you tell children?
What facts do you protect from them for their safety?
Is that protection more about your own pain and grief than what can be beneficial to the child?
Do you like what I have written here? You can get my free ebook with 15 affirming articles simply by entering your email address below and clicking “send”. Your email address will NOT be shared with 3rd parties. Thank you for reading
Do your eyes get really tired from reading as mine do?
Do you have trouble proof reading your own articles and get frustrated when you have missed a grammatical error in your content?
I’ve found a great way to overcome this. It is simple and very time saving. I recommend using text reading software. I’ve tested a product called Natural Reader. The voice produced on it is very easy on the ear. It is also very inexpensive. It saves so much time and effort stops that temptation to skip content, especially when reading an instructional article. You can just close you eyes and listen if you wish. Here is the link. Natural Reader.
photo credit: MrsMinifigA key success to communication is to be authentic. The challenge in this matter is, to what degree can we be authentic? The real answer to that is it is entirely up to you. We have a choice in how much we give away about ourselves both in general information and also on an emotional level.
This is a very important subject.
We have all come across folk that we intuitively sense are fraudulent.
Being open and honest is a double edged sword. I have a feeling I have written on this subject before, so forgive me for doing so again. Maybe today, I’m writing it from a different perspective.
How authentic are we going to be, that may expose our vulnerability?
In other words, how much vulnerability are we prepared to expose with the degree of our authenticity. There is the matter of keeping ourselves safe. In my experience, some people see a persons willingness to be authentic and therefore vulnerable, as a threat and will go on the attack. I suspect their fear is that they are worried they have to be reciprocal by exposing their own vulnerability and this is something people may not feel able to do. I had a specific experience of this just over 2 years ago and it was very unpleasant indeed on an emotional level. This is also about personal boundaries.
I’m referring to this authenticity on an emotional level. To that end, I do tend to take a few risks at times. A few years back I occasionally got attacked with some of the articles I wrote online.
I’ll state here and now that in the past, I have had bouts of depression. In recent times I’ve had a real breakthrough on that issue. I’ve been able to use those negative experiences in a positive fashion to change the way I think. I’ve witnessed how others have done the same having been through similar experiences.
The good news is, being open and honest about emotive issues can really draw people in to read and share. When it works in this way, relationships become stronger and in turn, so does trust. When I’ve written about bereavement in the past, I’ve seen people find the courage to write about their own and thereby face that difficult aspect of their life head on.
Here are some articles that I have read relatively recently that I consider courageous, authentic, and I therefore feel a great degree of trust and connection with them. Each of these people are able to express their ability to use difficult experiences in a positive manner. I recommend you read them. You’ll learn loads.
http://lifechapters.net/2011/01/02/what-is-love/ (this is a bit on the long side, but worth a read if you want to really understand more about me.) Feedback from you on this post would be a real blessing because it is a subject very close to my heart.
If anyone else has written in this way, then maybe I’ll consider creating a page of links on this subject.
Bear in mind, I am not expecting you all to go telling your stories and exposing your vulnerability. That matter is up to you and I really recommend that you check your personal boundaries in this matter.
And now the final scene to one of my favourite movies of all time. Thinking of close friends, some no longer here, this scene always brings a tear to my eye. That is also powerfully healing too.
Do you like what I have written here? You can get my free ebook with 15 affirming articles simply by entering your email address below and clicking “send”. Your email address will NOT be shared with 3rd parties. Thank you for reading
Do your eyes get really tired from reading as mine do?
Do you have trouble proof reading your own articles and get frustrated when you have missed a grammatical error in your content?
I’ve found a great way to overcome this. It is simple and very time saving. I recommend using text reading software. I’ve tested a product called Natural Reader. The voice produced on it is very easy on the ear. It is also very inexpensive. It saves so much time and effort stops that temptation to skip content, especially when reading an instructional article. You can just close you eyes and listen if you wish. Here is the link. Natural Reader.
I witness so much conflict between people at times. Often, when people fall out over an issue, they choose to focus on something unrelated to satisfy their frustration and need to feel right. Yes, I’ve been guilty of that in the past. That moment of madness, perhaps when driving my car and getting cut up by somebody. Immediately a few choice words come to mind. It doesn’t happen very often for me. I usually catch myself.
Often, those thoughts or words may relate to the cultural identity of the person they are frustrated with.
I wonder, is this about disassociating ourselves with the person that we have been offended by?
In the time that I have been writing articles online, I have communicated with so many kind, wonderful and interesting people all over the world. What I have discovered is that all those people have the same desires and fears that I do. All have the same domestic situations that relate to family and partner issues.
Often, people want to be heard.
Often, people are seeking help.
Often, people want friends and seeking to communicate.
It doesn’t matter what our culture is. It matters how much self respect we have.
Having self respect enables us to respect others.
If we become offended by others, it is worth taking time to ask ourselves what that is all about and to be mindful of how we choose to see difference as a way of justifying our feelings of being offended.
This applies not only to culture, but also to any other sort of perceived differences.
i.e. age gap, gender, size, weight, hair colour, accent etc.
Are you aware of how prejudice can creep up in your mind when you feel offended by somebody?
Do you have self respect and feel confident to celebrate your cultural identity in a peaceful manner?
Sunday blessings…..
Marty
Do you like what I have written here? You can get my free ebook with 15 affirming articles simply by entering your email address below and clicking “send”. Your email address will NOT be shared with 3rd parties. Thank you for reading
Do your eyes get really tired from reading as mine do?
Do you have trouble proof reading your own articles and get frustrated when you have missed a grammatical error in your content?
I’ve found a great way to overcome this. It is simple and very time saving. I recommend using text reading software. I’ve tested a product called Natural Reader. The voice produced on it is very easy on the ear. It is also very inexpensive. It saves so much time and effort stops that temptation to skip content, especially when reading an instructional article. You can just close you eyes and listen if you wish. Here is the link. Natural Reader.
