It has been well said that it is hard to please all the people all of the time. Whatever any of us say to each other in our attempts to communicate, there is always a reason or a message we are attempting transmit. The frustration comes when we sometimes feel we are not being listened to.
I’ve been reading and watching an interesting article from Rintu Basu this morning where he demonstrates the the relationship between attitude and behaviour when communicating. It’s worth a look and a recommend that you take a look at it and see if you understand and “get” the message. It is likely that you will have varying degrees of opinion about the article. Some will agree and some disagree. Some may even dislike the way it is presented. The point is actually the message he is transmitting. This brings me to the main content of my own message today and it’s something I’ve been planning to write for a few days now.
It was only a few weeks ago that someone was attempting give me some useful advice. The result was an uncomfortable experience for me. To be honest, I was pretty angry about the in-appropriate circumstances and method used to transmit that message. I knew I needed to deal with this issue and I also knew that meant stepping out of my comfort zone into potential verbal conflict, something that I have traditionally found pretty challenging. The issue here is the motivation behind what I was told, which was intended to help me. I could have accepted it or rejected it. I chose to accept it despite being angry about the delivery. The delivery was in fact a separate issue which I successfully dealt with assertively.
I’d like you to consider the following analogy.
If you mail order something, lets say a new computer, it arrive packaged. You’ll likely see a cardboard box and a delivery docket detailing what is inside. They’ll be polystyrene inside and plastic bags containing components. You’ll likely need to assemble parts of the computer to set it up. The important part about this is that you will most likely dispose of of the packaging .
When somebody is speaking to you to transmit a message and you find the person or style of delivery is not to your liking, you can choose to listen to the message effectively. The “packaging” (i.e. the person delivering the message, the circumstances and timing) you can choose to dispose of. This is what I did in the circumstances I have described above. In fact, I used a similar analogy when assertively explaining to that person how the way the message (help) was in-appropriately delivered. I made it clear that I heard and understood the message and it’s motive and chose to dispose of the packaging. This created a win-win situation. The verbal transaction included useful feedback on both sides.
How do you respond to communication that causes conflict?
Do you automatically reject what is said to you if you have a problem with the person delivering the message?
As usual, I’d be interested in your comments.
See below a classic example of how an attempted message did not get transmitted as intended, the resulting fallout and impact that had on a former political leader in the UK.
Do you like what I have written here? You can get my free ebook with 15 affirming articles simply by entering your email address below and clicking “send”. Your email address will NOT be shared with 3rd parties. Thank you for reading
Do your eyes get really tired from reading as mine do?
Do you have trouble proof reading your own articles and get frustrated when you have missed a grammatical error in your content?
I’ve found a great way to overcome this. It is simple and very time saving. I recommend using text reading software. I’ve tested a product called Natural Reader. The voice produced on it is very easy on the ear. It is also very inexpensive. It saves so much time and effort stops that temptation to skip content, especially when reading an instructional article. You can just close you eyes and listen if you wish. Here is the link. Natural Reader.
There are the obvious senses that we have. Sight, touch and hearing. I’ve come to realise that we connect in other ways, or shall I state other dimensions. There are those other senses when we have knowledge of something without obvious “evidence”.
I experienced one of those interesting connections this morning. I’m preparing to play with the band today. I don’t have transport this weekend because my car is still at the garage being repaired. I’d decided to get the bus to Broadstairs and was about to leave the house when it occurred to me that I needed to check whether extra equipment is required. Once of the guys in the band, Joe, is someone I’m pretty close to. I rang him just before leaving and discovered that his mobile phone was engaged. I waited a few seconds and rang again. “Hi Mart. I just tried to ring you!”. You see, Joe had thought to ring me at exactly the same moment. There is some kind of spiritual connection between us. I guess some might call it ESP. It is not the first time something like this has happened with people that I’m close too. It happens most often with my wife.
There is something very important about whom we socialise with. The relationships we build through our lives play a large part upon who we become. They also form the beliefs we have about the world around us. Myself, Joe and the rest of the band are a pretty close group. We have that essential common interest of making music for the sheer joy of it. Making musical connections also builds powerful connections emotionally.
Do you have a positive outlook on life?
If so, have you considered how others will pick up on positive attitude and behaviour?
The opposite is also true. You’ll notice how those with a negative outlook can powerfully affect those around them.
We are social animals that thrive on communication. You’ll realise that positive communication is far more effective when there is a good rapport between people. Rapport also produces those intangible communications that occur outside of the 3 obvious senses of sight, touch and hearing.
Have you had experiences such as described above? I’d love to hear some testimonies.
Do you like what I have written here? You can get my free ebook with 15 affirming articles simply by entering your email address below and clicking “send”. Your email address will NOT be shared with 3rd parties. Thank you for reading
Do your eyes get really tired from reading as mine do?
Do you have trouble proof reading your own articles and get frustrated when you have missed a grammatical error in your content?
I’ve found a great way to overcome this. It is simple and very time saving. I recommend using text reading software. I’ve tested a product called Natural Reader. The voice produced on it is very easy on the ear. It is also very inexpensive. It saves so much time and effort stops that temptation to skip content, especially when reading an instructional article. You can just close you eyes and listen if you wish. Here is the link. Natural Reader.
When we listen to somebody, there is “conversation” going on in our head that is composing a reply. If the conversation is hostile and feeling like a personal attack, then we’ll be preparing defensive strategies internally to retort, thereby failing to listen carefully enough to the real message.
Another assumption that people make is the “expecting a no” answer. This tempers attitude and is likely the pre-curser to asking for help in a hostile way or asking with far too much detailed information. Sometimes, people ask the question and answer on the behalf of who they are asking so as attempting to not be disappointed. I’m pretty certain I have done this in the past.
Here is a typical example that sometimes comes up in romantic comedy films.
“Oh hi. I was juuusssst wondering if you might….. like to…. Erm ….. go out on a date with me……….. but I guessyou’llbereallybusytonightandinanycase.. I … ummm am not much company anyway so sorry for asking!”
Making assumptions about how somebody is going to answer your question puts a premature boundary around the “game”. We can’t set rules for a game until we know what the game is, or in other words, “four” does not apply to soccer any more than “off side” applies to cricket!
Finally, here are other barriers to communication to be aware of when asking a questions.
Is the person you are speaking to hard of hearing?
Does that person speak the same language as you and is it their first language?
Are you using language that others understand? i.e. try to avoid using “corporate speak” and acronyms. One sure fire way to upset a customer is “It is our policy to…….” That is simply a cop out and avoidance of responsibility.
There are many more that I’m sure you can think of.
Finally, I’ll share a little example of how I managed to communicate and get a result I wanted whilst not upsetting the other party.
Entering a pub last week, the barman asked me to take my hat off. I complied with this request, however I was a little offended by the request and stated so. I asked why this request was made (fully knowing the answer anyway). This pub is trying to clean up its image by refusing entry to whom they consider some of the more unsavory characters in the area. The barman said “If I let you wear a hat, I can’t ask others to take theirs off because they will complain.” I said words to the effect of “I agree with you, but the issue is not whether I wear a hat or not. It has to do with the way you intend to control the behavior of your customers. If I have to take my hat off because a badly behaved customer complains that it is not fair, you are simply colluding with the bad behavior.”
The created a bit of an ongoing debate, but I made my point politely. When asked if I wanted another drink, I said no and left. This has not become an issue. I’ve worn my hat in the pub since and not been asked to remove it. We have had a little teasing and banter about it, but it is no longer a problem.
Asking direct questions does not always get us what we want, but we can learn by listening and reaching compromises. Sometimes, it is just about finding common ground.
Do you like what I have written here? You can get my free ebook with 15 affirming articles simply by entering your email address below and clicking “send”. Your email address will NOT be shared with 3rd parties. Thank you for reading
Do your eyes get really tired from reading as mine do?
Do you have trouble proof reading your own articles and get frustrated when you have missed a grammatical error in your content?
I’ve found a great way to overcome this. It is simple and very time saving. I recommend using text reading software. I’ve tested a product called Natural Reader. The voice produced on it is very easy on the ear. It is also very inexpensive. It saves so much time and effort stops that temptation to skip content, especially when reading an instructional article. You can just close you eyes and listen if you wish. Here is the link. Natural Reader.
The article today is going to split over 2 days. 2nd part tomorrow.
How many times have you cried our for help and discovered that it appears nobody is listening to you or nobody cares?
WHAT SIGNALS ARE YOU SENDING OUT WHEN YOU ASK FOR HELP?
Giving and receiving help effectively could be described as an art. Well I guess it is to a certain degree, however the way I have described it possibly gives the appearance of something mystical and magical that only the chosen few are worthy of. I could describe it as a special and secret code that will dramatically change your life. In one sense this is true and it is also a technique I’m using to draw your attention to what I’m going to share. The message is actually simple and straight forward.
What’s in it for you? An opportunity to become aware of something useful.
What’s in it for me? I simply want your attention. I’ve spent time and effort being creative and I want to share it with you.
The “secret” is in fact not a secret at all. It is an ability we all have and do use from time to time without realizing it.
If you want an answer to a question, explain it in direct, plain and simple language.
When we want something badly, we are fueled with emotional clouds that can create blocks in the communication. This happens particularly when we complain. It can have the effect of “biting the hand that feeds us”.
Listen carefully when replied to, even if the result of asking the question is “NO”. There will be elements of “NO” that can be drawn out to obtain alternative solutions. For instance, if complaining about poor service and demanding a refund you get “No”, this could be followed by
“you’ll need to write to…….”
Or
“you need to speak to……”
All too often, people miss these opportunities. Sometimes, the alternative needs to be asked for. The more politely that is done, the greater the likelihood of success.
The transaction involved with asking for help works most effectively if both parties possess the knowledge and understanding of how to communicate effectively. Here are some further tips.
There will be more on this tomorrow……..
Have you found this useful?
Is this information that you already know and are aware of?
Will you share this post for me on your social networks (Twitter, Facebook etc)
Thank you.
Marty
Do you like what I have written here? You can get my free ebook with 15 affirming articles simply by entering your email address below and clicking “send”. Your email address will NOT be shared with 3rd parties. Thank you for reading
Do your eyes get really tired from reading as mine do?
Do you have trouble proof reading your own articles and get frustrated when you have missed a grammatical error in your content?
I’ve found a great way to overcome this. It is simple and very time saving. I recommend using text reading software. I’ve tested a product called Natural Reader. The voice produced on it is very easy on the ear. It is also very inexpensive. It saves so much time and effort stops that temptation to skip content, especially when reading an instructional article. You can just close you eyes and listen if you wish. Here is the link. Natural Reader.
Do you ever read and use words without fully understanding their meaning and origin?
I was listening to a somewhat intellectual BBC radio 4 programme in my car yesterday. This was in reference to the Ancient Greeks, Socrates, Plato, the Spartans, Xenophon to mention a few. I found the programme interesting in as much as how these historical people have influenced language. You see, I am one of those people that has not studied philosophy and history from that period. Those subjects bypassed me in my youth. I recall that I considered those subjects as boring, or at least I had a self limiting belief that they were beyond my intellect. I guess I am now taking an interest now.
There are two words in relatively common use that interest me: -
Platonic. This is a disputed reference to Plato and the philosophy of non sensual love. This is also sometimes described as spiritual love.
Socratic. This word links to the alleged teachings of Socrates. As I understand it, the method seeks to challenge a point of view indirectly by asking questions. It also is a way of seeking to find agreement where there is conflict in opposing arguments. I’ve come to realize that I use this technique quite often when trying to help people solve problems.
I can see 2 outcomes in this.
Firstly, the use of Socratic questions could be used in a manipulative way to discredit a point of view. I could be used as a way to catch someone out.
Secondly, the use could be seen as empowering, allowing the client or student to discover an answer for themselves rather than just being told they are wrong.
Do you ask Socratic questions?
Other Ancient Greek referenced words.
Xenophobic = Xenophon, a contemporary of Plato and Socrates
Spartan = An ancient citizen of Sparta. They were know to be frugal and austere.
Hippocratic = Hippocrates, the father of medicine
Laconic = from the region of Laconia, part of which is Sparta, the Spartan known for their brevity of speech.
Do you like what I have written here? You can get my free ebook with 15 affirming articles simply by entering your email address below and clicking “send”. Your email address will NOT be shared with 3rd parties. Thank you for reading
Do your eyes get really tired from reading as mine do?
Do you have trouble proof reading your own articles and get frustrated when you have missed a grammatical error in your content?
I’ve found a great way to overcome this. It is simple and very time saving. I recommend using text reading software. I’ve tested a product called Natural Reader. The voice produced on it is very easy on the ear. It is also very inexpensive. It saves so much time and effort stops that temptation to skip content, especially when reading an instructional article. You can just close you eyes and listen if you wish. Here is the link. Natural Reader.
